8 Places To Visit In The City Of Dreadful Night
- Jason Russo
- Nov 29, 2019
- 3 min read
Have you been suffering from insomnia? Maybe you’re feeling a little depressed with the change of seasons. Are the horrors of the Industrial Revolution getting you down? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you may be due for a stop at the City of Dreadful Night! Most known for its dreary weather and melancholy residents, this city has everything: eternally burning gaslights, rivers of suicide, angel/sphinx MMA fights, and more! Here’s our list of the top 8 places to visit in the City that Never Sleeps:
The Archway Entrance
Museum lovers: this is the place for you. Room upon room of this mansion is filled with ancient shrines to the most enigmatic figure of the city: a sleeping woman! Nobody knows who she is, or how she’s sleeping (we sure can’t!), but it’s a great spot to really overthink that one embarrassing thing you did ten years ago that still haunts you to this day and wish you could just sleep it off like Sleeping Beauty over here!
2. The River of Suicides
If you’re more of aquaphile, then you’ll need to check out the City of Night’s main water feature: The River of Suicides. Surrounding the entire city, the River of Suicides is the perfect place to get your strokes in. Entrance is free (in fact, it’s encouraged) and boat rentals are available upon request. And have no fear, divers. The bridge’s parapet is the perfect place to practice that forward two and a half somersaults, one twist in the pike positon.
3. The Desert
Ready to hop on the new trend of sensory deprivation chambers? Look no further than the City of Dreadful Night’s desert! Everything is black here, with no stars, no sound, and “air so thick” it’ll clot your throat. As long as you avoid the “enormous things swooping past with savage cries and clanking wings,” you’ll be in for a nice, relaxing stay at Spa Dreadful.
4. Historic Mansion
Museum lovers: this is the place for you. Room upon room of this mansion is filled with ancient shrines to the most enigmatic figure of the city: a sleeping woman! Nobody knows who she is, or how she’s sleeping (we sure can’t!), but it’s a great spot to really overthink that one embarrassing thing you did ten years ago that still haunts you to this day and wish you could just sleep it off like Sleeping Beauty over here!
5. Sermon in the Church
For those visitors looking to get out of the house and get some motivation in their lives, the event you won’t want to miss is the depressing and uniquely bleak sermon located in the church-like venue in the center of town. The unnamed speaker sure knows how to turn a phrase and deliver those “tidings of great joy.” No, it’s not Christmastime. It’s time to lose faith in religion altogether! If you didn’t abandon all hope before, you sure will now!
6. Angel/Sphinx Showdown
It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The most exciting event of the year! If you thought the symbolism of this place couldn’t be any more explicit, you’ll be shocked to see the fight to end all fights between your resident angel and couchant sphinx! The best views are from the “weary pillar’s base,” and the moonlight will sort of light up the scene just right. Just try not to fall asleep during the most exciting parts like that guy over there. P.S. Be sure to try the kettle corn – it’s particularly bland and stale.
7. Mascot: Melencolia
Arguably the most photogenic spot in the city, visitors simply must visit the woman who oversees it all: Melencolia. The city’s patroness and queen, she truly is a sight to behold. Anyone who may be forgetting their despair or sadness need only glance up at her to be reminded of their misery in full!
8. Real Estate
If you’re looking for more permanent lodging in the City of Dreadful Night, look no further! We have the three best new real estate offerings in town! Overlooking the city is the tallest, most brooding and impressive tower in town. Dubbed “the black mass in the gloom,” this tower is perfect for those who want the best views of fog and misery below (Lord Sauron is soooo jealous he couldn’t get his hands on this one!). For those looking for more of a rustic lifestyle, we found listings for a luxury villa (the same villa from Love Island you ask? Just maybe 😉). And for those traditional folks out there, we have a classic “squalid house” that is just perfect for those utilitarians. Legally, we have to disclose that yes, Faith, Love, and Hope died in each of these houses, respectively. However, we hope that that’s not too surprising given the general state of things around here!
Originally Written for ENG 360L: The End Of The World
Also Published On buzzfeed.com
